Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine wants to ban prop bets in the Buckeye State. New Jersey Assemblyman Dan Hutchison wants to ban microbetting. Rep. Paul Tonko of New York and Sen. Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut want to ban college props.
The list, sadly, goes on and on: politicians looking to rein in sports betting, almost all of them for the wrong — or at least misplaced — reasons.
Unfortunately, I now know those proposed laws cited above are only the tip of the iceberg. I’ve spent the majority of the summer calling every single politician in America, from the federal level down to your local mayor, trying to sniff out other proposed anti-sports betting laws in the pipeline.
What I discovered — and what I’m providing to you today — is shocking. You’ll be shocked. Shock will happen to you.
And all I can say is this: If you value freedom, if you’ve ever thought about getting an American Eagle tattoo (of the eagle itself, or of Sydney Sweeney), I implore you to get out your pen and paper and write to your local congressman or congresswoman.
This madness must stop, or we will wind up with these.
LEFTY LAW: In Illinois, state Rep. Chet “Righty” Blunderhorn, who is also the leader of the Church of the Right is Might, is calling for a ban on betting on left-handed pitchers. He calls them an “abomination” and points to statistics from the non-partisan National Right-Handed Foundation that shows 43% of left-handers are devil worshippers.
FOOTSIE ACT: Kentucky legislator Buckram J. Steelhawk is advocating for a ban on soccer bets. All soccer bets. “It’s a game for foreigners. Let ‘em play in the ICE detention centers if they want, but no American should be engaging in this so-called sport that involves feet. Feet are disgusting. Ball games are meant to played with hands, not feet. I do not care for feet.” (Editor’s Note: Shortly after publication of this piece, Mr. Steelhawk resigned when photos surfaced of him doing … well, “things” with the feet of a lady of the evening, though the term “lady” is doing a lot of heavy lifting.)
MUST SLEEP LAW: New Hampshire legislator Janet Wigglesnort is looking out for her constituents, advocating for a ban on betting on West Coast games. “People on the East Coast are simply too tired to be betting at 10 p.m.,” she told me. “It’s irresponsible to allow for this.”
SEXY NUMBERS ACT: Florida state Sen. Mavis P. Crankleton has had it up to here with the oversexualization of America — she was no fan of that Sweeney ad, I’ll tell you right now — and is seeking to ban all player props featuring athletes whose number is 69. “I’m not a big fan of 96, either,” she told the Yeehaw Junction Gazette. “And quite frankly, 80 concerns me, as they are the first two upside-down numbers when you’re spelling ‘boobs’ on a calculator.”
BING BONG LAW: New York Congressman Vinnie Gobbagooloogo wants to ban New Yorkers from ever betting on the Knicks again. “I’m still thinking about that Haliburton shot in Game 1,” Gobbagooloogo told me. “I can’t do this anymore. New Yorkers shouldn’t have to pay to suffer like this.”
NO BACK AT THE WALL ACT: Missouri Rep. Chip Dandypaws is seeking to help his constituents by banning home run props in baseball games called by Joe Buck. “It’s bad enough when you lose a bet, only to be made worse by hearing Buck say ‘back at the wall’ every single time,” Dandypaws said.
UNCOUTH ACT: Connecticut’s longest serving member of Congress, Rep. Prescott Langford Winthrop IV, wants to put an end to betting on Ivy League action. He considers gambling “uncouth.” His family fortune comes from trading stock options, so he would know from gambling.
TODD HELTON LAW: Colorado representative Burlap “Buzz” Thistlewhack wants to prohibit anyone, in any state, from betting on baseball unless they can name one current member of the Colorado Rockies. “That team is terrible,” Thistlewhack told me. “That’s really all I have to say about that.”
PROTECT ACT: Massachusetts Sen. Clarabelle Hoogenflap thinks kids should be protected from all forms of gambling and is thus seeking to ban all bets placed within 1,000 feet of a school. “We have to protect the children,” Hoogenflap said. When pressed, she said, “We have to protect the children.” Appearing on a local PBS town hall, she emphasized, “We have to protect the children.”
And finally …
CHANGE IS MONEY LAW: Montana Rep. Rufus T. Nibblemeyer is pushing to ban all Super Bowl coin toss bets, calling them “an affront to both God and George Washington.” He’s also introduced a bill requiring all future ceremonial coin tosses be performed with a commemorative buffalo nickel and “appropriate solemnity.”
