One of the most iconic scenes in movie history has to be Alec Baldwin’s monologue in 1992’s Glengarry Glen Ross.
It’s seven minutes of pure intensity as he threatens/fires up his little team of real estate salesmen.
And perhaps the most iconic moment of the iconic scene? When Baldwin shows them the ABCs.
“A, always, B, be, C, closing,” he spits. “Always be closing.”
Well, for our purposes today, I’m Alec Baldwin, you’re my real estate salesman, and I’m telling you your ABLSs.
“A, always, B, be, LS, line shopping. Always be line shopping.”
Listen: I’m not a pro bettor. Barely an amateur bettor. But I do know the difference between winning $388 and winning $330, and I’m here today to teach you.
Well, not teach. More like show.
I took a look at some NFL teasers and parlays — the home of us barely amateur bettors — across America’s biggest sportsbooks.
The results were — quite frankly — unsurprising. In short: You can’t just live at one sportsbook.
The two-team teaser
For this exercise, I looked at two of the teams most likely to be teased this weekend: the Arizona Cardinals, giving 6.5 points on the road to the New Orleans Saints, and the Denver Broncos, giving 8 points at home to the Tennessee Titans.
Simple teaser, move the line 6 points, get the Cards giving a half-point, get the Broncos straight through the 7 and 3 to -2 points.
And the winner is …
Caesars, at -110. Not even close. Hard Rock comes in at -125 (and gets the Broncos down to -1.5), FanDuel at -134 (with the same extra half-point for Denver), DraftKings at -135 (but adding a half-point to Denver, to -2.5), and Fanatics also at -135.
BetRivers, BetMGM, and ESPN Bet are the big outliers.
BetRivers is up at -150, and BetMGM and ESPN Bet — at the time of this writing Wednesday morning — did not offer six-point teaser markets for these games.
Some quick math: Let’s say I did this every Sunday for 18 weeks, betting $100 at a clip. And let’s say I ran pure, going 11-7 on the season. Bully for me. At Caesars, I’d book a profit of $300. At BetRivers, I’d book a profit of $33.
The three-team teaser
Now I just added the next most likely team to be teased this weekend: the Washington Commanders, giving 6.5 points at home to the New York Giants.
Once again, BetMGM and ESPN Bet failed to offer this market.
Once again, BetRivers odds were the big outlier, at +118.
Everyone else came in at +140, except Fanatics, which is offering +144, although that comes with an asterisk. Fanatics wouldn’t allow the full 6 points on the Commanders, only allowing me 5.5 points, but it didn’t matter, as they had the Commanders at -6 points to begin with.
The parlays
For this, I took the two biggest favorites on the board: the Philadelphia Eagles and Denver Broncos, both north of -400 everywhere.
And the results …
DraftKings takes the crown on this one, coming in at -175. Fanatics is nipping at its heels at -178, with Hard Rock giving a winking -189 compared to the BetMGM, ESPN Bet, and Caesars lines of -190.
FanDuel is offering -195, while — prepare the sad trombone — BetRivers is all the way up at -210.
For our last offering before you win either a new car, a set of steak knives, or a firing, I decided to add the clear dog of the week — the Cleveland Browns — to this parlay.
Why the Browns? Because their opponent, the Cincinnati Bengals, haven’t won on opening day since 1763 and the Joe Flacco-led Browns are going to be pesky. The Browns are floating around +190 on the moneyline.
And your three-team parlay winner is — out of nowhere! — ESPN Bet, at +388. Caesars is next at +365, DraftKings at +363, Hard Rock at +358, Fanatics at +353, BetRivers showing a little life at +339, and FanDuel all the way down at +330. BetMGM, for some reason, won’t allow the wager.
The results
A few things.
One, obviously this is not exhaustive. Two — and more obviously — there are no easy answers for which sportsbook to focus on. Caesars took the two-team teaser crown, Fanatics the three-team teaser. DraftKings had the best odds for the two-team parlay, ESPN Bet the best odds for the three-team parlay.
Three, let’s do some more math.
Let’s say you bet $100 and won all four bets above. If you did your line shopping and got the best odds, you’d book a profit of $680.05.
If you got the worst odds? You’re still a winner, but left nearly $120 on the table, taking home $562.29.
Always be line shopping.
(Note: Bet365 was not included because I’m locked out of my account for some reason.)
