There really is no way for an adult to complain that he has a stomachache.
I say this as an adult with a stomachache. There’s just simply no way that a 53-year-old man can claim “stomachache” as a way to avoid doing anything. Because really, this is the telephone conversation I’d like to have right now.
BOSS: Hello?
ME: I need the day off.
BOSS: Why?
ME: My tummy is ouchy.
So, yes, I write this under great duress, as there seems to be the absolute mildest of bugs traveling around my house. My wife has an ouchy tummy, as does one of my kids. We’re all soldiering on despite the ouchiness.
Much like Josh Jacobs, who rushed for 93 yards and two touchdowns against the Bengals on Sunday despite throwing up before, during, and after the game.
So, yes, if Josh Jacobs can rumble for a pair of scores while puking up his guts, I imagine I can manage to pump out 1,000 words on the Week 7 NFL slate while dealing with a tummy ache.
First things first, though. I’m going to do what everybody else does when their stomach hurts: watch some Price is Right while noshing on Saltines and washing it all down with a sip of ginger ale.
On to the picks!
The +1000 or more parlay of the week
Dropped to 0-6 last week, which is fine, it’s fine, it’s fine. Just need to hit one or two of these and we are the parlay kings.
This week at FanDuel … well, I’m not particularly thrilled with this wager. Honestly, not one of these legs looks particularly tasty to me. But I have a job to do, dammit, and I’m going to do it.
Gimme the Falcons getting 2.5 points on the road against San Francisco, give me the under 54.5 in the Cowboys-Commanders game, give me the Giants getting 7 points in Denver, and give me the Browns giving a field goal at home to the Dolphins. All told we’re at +1260.
Rationale: The Falcons might be really, really good and this could be a real statement game. As for the Cowboys and Commanders? Yeah, I like the game for offense, but it’s a division game, coupled with Dallas preferring to control the clock with Javonte Williams. However, its bend-and-break defense has me doubting we get there. The Giants? Strong front four should give Bo Nix fits, and Jaxson Dart is a walking backdoor cover. Finally, I’m taking the Browns and giving(!) points. I expect 30 carries from Quinshon Judkins against a Miami run defense that cannot stop anyone.
Obvious three-team teaser that won’t hit
Welp, down to 2-4 as the Lions couldn’t cover 8.5 points against the Chiefs. Back to Caesars trying to right this ship. I’ll take, at +140, the Bears getting a half-point at home against the Saints, the Patriots giving a point to the Titans in Tennessee, and the Chiefs giving 6.5 points to the Raiders in K.C.
This is probably the most obvious three-team teaser I’ve seen this year. Batten down the hatches.
Prediction market play of the week
You ever hear of this former University of Miami defensive tackle and Calgary Stampeders linebacker (well, he was signed, but never played), fella by the name of Dwayne Johnson? You know, The Rock?
Yeah, well over at not-legal-yet Polymarket, he’s the fourth-favorite to nab the 2028 Democratic presidential nomination. California Governor Gavin Newsom leads the charge at 36 cents, New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is second at 12 cents, Pete Buttigieg is a nickel, and The Rock sits at 4.2 cents on the “yes.”
Honestly, I think this is a screaming buy opportunity. Johnson has been vocal in the past about the possibility of mounting a run, the 2028 race is wide open, he’ll be 56 years old. All he has to do is one interview where he so much as floats the idea and — bam! — this price doubles.
Maybe it’s my tummy ache talking, but I honestly think this is a good bet — er, event contract thing.
It’s a trap!
Down to 3-3, thought the Browns would upset the Steelers, that was a dum-dum move as they were coming home from London without a bye.
Whatever. This week, my trap du jour is the 49ers giving 2.5 points to the Falcons. As I said earlier, the Falcons might just be the real deal, and this week would cement it, flying cross-country after a Monday night upset of the Bills. I think they’re the better team right now, so that’s about all there is to it.
Did I win the DraftKings Milly Maker?
Pretty sure if I did, I wouldn’t be complaining about my stomach.
DraftKings DFS plays of the week
I’m going back to the Quinshon Judkins well after hyping him last week. He’s $6K, at home against the Dolphins, and — after an exhaustive search on social media — does not appear to be currently vomiting and has no future vomiting plans.
Mortal-lock, can’t lose, 900 number, send your money now play of the week
Down to 3-3, had the Lions last week, this week it’s pretty clear where I’m headed: the Falcons getting 2.5 against the 49ers.
