And now, a trip up to gambling heaven …
PETE ROSE and SHOELESS JOE JACKSON sit nervously in an office lobby. They have been summoned by GOD.
ROSE: Man, I hope they don’t kick us out. I just got here. Head-first slide into heaven!
JACKSON: It’s nice up here. They have baseball. James Earl Jones sometimes comes out to watch.
ROSE: James Earl Jones … I remember him. Righty. Decent curve. You sit on the fastball, you’ll get to him. Not enough juice. He was up for a cup of coffee with the Pirates in ‘74, right?
JACKSON: I’m not sure about that, Pete. I just hope we ain’t in trouble. You haven’t bet on anything since you’ve been up here, right?
ROSE: I have not. (Loud thundercrack rocks the office.) OK, just a little bit. Secretariat was racing a serpent. Got the pony at 3-to-1.
(A door opens to an office. It fills the air with heavenly warmth. GOD, shrouded in fog, motions for ROSE and JACKSON to enter his office.)
GOD: Please, sit down. Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea? Pomegranate wine?
(ROSE and JACKSON shake their heads no.)
GOD: OK, well then, let’s get right to it. We’ve decided that since you’re dead, we’re going to lift the lifetime ban.
JACKSON: Thank you!
ROSE: Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, God? That’s Arnold from Diff’rent Strokes. Remember that show? Great show. Tough episode with the guy from WKRP and Dudley, but yeah. Used to watch it with Tony Perez. Anyway, now I can go to the Hall of Fame?
GOD: If they vote you in.
ROSE: (studying God’s face) You look familiar. I know you from somewhere.
GOD: Oh, well, “God” is just the title. I’m actually former NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle.
ROSE: You’re God?!?!
JACKSON: What’s the NFL?
ROZELLE: The NFL is the most powerful force in the universe, Shoeless Joe. Since we signed the deal with FOX in 1993, NFL commissioners get the God gig once they get up here. Why else do you think I smoked three packs of Carltons a day?
ROSE: Steve Carlton. Lefty. Helluva pitcher. Got to him for a .281 average over the years. Real competitor. Mean sonuvabitch.
ROZELLE: Are you quite finished?
ROSE: Sorry.
ROZELLE: Anyway, I’m no fan of gambling, but ever since PASPA got overturned —
JACKSON: PASPA?
ROSE: It’s a brand of diaper, Joe. Go ahead Pete, er, God.
ROZELLE: Ever since PASPA got overturned, we’ve had to take a different tact with all this. So I called up Rob Manfred, told him to take the ban off, and so here we are. You boys seem like nice fellas. Plus, you’re dead, so the whole idea of a “lifetime” ban seems kind of silly. We’re not quite in ex post facto territory, but we’re close.
JACKSON: Ex post facto?
ROSE: It’s an aftershave, Joe. I shilled for it back in ‘78.
JACKSON: So that’s it? We ain’t in trouble?
ROZELLE: No, Shoeless Joe, you’re not. But you should know we do take a dim view of gambling here in heaven.
JACKSON: You don’t need to worry sir. I don’t even talk to no gamblers no more.
ROSE: Me, neither. (another loud thundercrack)
ROZELLE: Mr. Rose ….?
ROSE: Yeah, I’m meeting up with Henry Hill at the arena, but he’s a good fella now. Some old Boston College kids are putting a game together . . .
