I write to you this fine day with great mirth and merriment. My mood is light and airy and frivolous, like a marshmallow on ‘shrooms. I am quite giddy with emotion of the most joyous kind. I fear I may burst forth into song at any moment. Even the squirrels scurrying about my lawn seem to be joining me in my good humor. I am vibrating with happiness.
Perhaps you wonder why I am so decidedly delighted on this day. The answer, my friends, is quite simple: I nailed the +1000 or more parlay of the week.
Not only did I nail it, I nailed it at +2413, meaning for better or worse (mostly worse) my longshot parlay pick each week will prove profitable at the end of the season. So bully for me.
Let’s recap, because why not: I had the Dolphins giving the Commanders 2.5 points, and they won by 3 points in overtime. Never a doubt. I had the Bills giving 5.5 points to the Bucs, and they won by 12, with Josh Allen sneaking one in at the 2:35 mark of the fourth quarter to seal it. Never a doubt. I had the Panthers as moneyline dogs over the Falcons, and they won in overtime. Never a doubt. I had the Broncos as moneyline dogs over the Chiefs, and they won on a field goal as time expired. Never a doubt.
OK, there were doubts. Two legs needed overtime, a third needed a last-second kick, and the fourth needed a game-sealing touchdown.
When it comes to stupid parlays, the lesson, as always, is simple: It’s better to be lucky than good.
Thou luck runneth over!
So on this glorious morn (yeah, I’m going back to Renaissance-era speech for absolutely no good reason) as I sip my coffee like a king surveying his conquered kingdom, I can only conclude that the gambling gods have, for reasons unknown and surely fleeting, smiled upon my unworthy soul. Let us rejoice before they remember who I am and smite me accordingly.
On to Week 12!
The +1000 or more parlay of the week
In the parlance of our times, let’s f****** go. Let’s run this back. Let’s go crazy.
At FanDuel, I’m grabbing the Bears giving 2.5 points at home to the Steelers, the under 47.5 in the Eagles-Cowboys game, the Panthers getting a touchdown on the road against the 49ers, the Browns outright in Vegas as +172 underdogs. All told, we’re at +1795.
Rationale: I’m not sure the Bears are markedly better that the Steelers, but Ben Johnson is going to scheme his offense around the mostly static Pittsburgh defense and get the job done. Philly’s defense is getting ferocious again, and their offense is stuck in first gear. I see an NFC East slog here. The 49ers defense is hobbled, broken, and bad. A touchdown is just too much for a very pesky Panthers squad. And as for the Browns? This is not a bet on Shedeur Sanders; it’s a bet on the Browns pass rush tearing through the Raiders’ non-existent offensive line all day long.
Obvious three-team teaser that won’t hit
Up to 5-6 this season, too easy last week as I grabbed more points for the Panthers and Broncos and took the Bills giving a half-point. This week, at Caesars and at +140, give me the Browns getting 9.5 points, the Cardinals at home getting 8.5 points against the Jaguars, and the Packers at home giving a half-point to the Vikings.
It’s a trap!
Up to 5-6, as I saw the Chiefs struggling as road favorites in Mile High. And I was right. This week — and I’m hesitant to even call it a trap — I really can’t understand why the Raiders are favored over the Browns.
Did I win the DraftKings Milly Maker?
I had Cardinals triples everywhere. I broke even. I hate DFS. (I don’t, but come on.)
DraftKings DFS plays of the week
I had a lot of Josh Jacobs last week. Oops. (Come on!) Anyway, this week, I am going right back to the Cardinals’ well: Brissett-Wilson-McBride.
Mortal-lock, can’t lose, 900 number, send your money now play of the week
Up to 4-7, had the Broncos, this week I’m rolling with the Browns +2.5.
