NFL Week 15: Philip Rivers Puts AARP Membership On Hold

The big NFL news of the week is Phillip Rivers — who was last active in the NFL back when Donald Trump was still president (I haven’t watched Trump-Harris yet, so no spoilers please) — is trending toward starting Sunday for the Indianapolis Colts. On the road. In Seattle.

What could go wrong?

Rivers is 44, a grandfather, has been coaching high school football, and hasn’t thrown an NFL pass since 2020.

In fact, here is his latest pass, a last-second wounded duck in a loss to the Buffalo Bills.

Now listen: Is it possible Rivers pulls an NFL-style Undertaker move and leads the struggling Colts to the playoffs?

Sure, it’s possible. About as possible as a dead man rising from a coffin.

And good golly: Against the 10-win Seahawks in Seattle as his welcome back game? That is troubling. As a member myself of the AARP, I worry about Rivers making it out of this game intact.

Of course, it points to a broader issue, namely this, and to quote Casey Stengel: Can’t anybody here play this game?

There are 32 NFL teams. There are not 32 legitimate quarterbacks. As a result, the Colts decided to ask a man who has not played football in four years, a man who will be the fifth-oldest person to ever take a snap behind center in the history of the NFL, a man who is closer to his 88th birthday than his first, to unretire.

This can only end one way. Colts 87, Seahawks 3.

On to Week 15!

The +1000 or more parlay of the week

Missed it by that much last week. As predicted, the Seahawks romped, the Dolphins and Jets hit the over, and the Texans beat the Chiefs. Where I went wrong was believing in the Browns. Lesson learned.

This week, at FanDuel, gimme the Chargers getting 5.5 points in Kansas City, the Broncos outright at home over the Packers, the Patriots outright at home over the Bills, and the Seahawks laying 13.5 points at home against the Colts.

Rationale: I’ve been betting against the Chiefs all year and will continue to do so here. Again, replace the names on the Chiefs jerseys with generic names, and I bet the Chargers are favorites here. As for the Broncos and Patriots? Same story, different games: The home teams are simply better, despite both being underdogs. As for the Seahawks? Come on. Riley Leonard or Philip Rivers at QB, it doesn’t matter. This is going to be a bloodbath. All told, we’re at +1409.

Obvious three-team teaser that won’t hit

Up to 7-7 as the ‘Hawks, Rams, and Bills did the job last week. This week, at Caesars and at +140, I will happily gobble up the Patriots getting 7.5 points at home against the Bills, the Chargers getting 11.5 points in Kansas City, and the Broncos getting 8.5 points at home against the Packers.

It’s a trap!

Up to 7-7, backed the Texans last week over the Chiefs. I loved that spot. This week, take your pick: The Bills or Packers on the road against the Patriots and Broncos. The home squads are getting no respect here.